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May my burden be your burden, and yours be mine...


A big, big, big welcome to my new readers!! Thanks soooo much for reading I Lost My 30’s!!!

Looking forward to getting to know you!!!

Jess


A big, big, big welcome to my new readers!! Thanks soooo much for reading I Lost My 30’s!!!

Looking forward to getting to know you!!!

Jess

Waiting for the other shoe to drop…all the time.

I have, over the past month and not so gently, fallen into the deepest depression I’ve experienced since around this time last year. I have been consumed with future-tripping, friendship navigation, fighting with family, worrying about everything, and then worrying some more, cleaning and redecorating and redecorating and cleaning a million times over and sleeping an unbelievable amount of hours.

I felt the depression coming and was sort of just rollin’ with it…then it came crashing down. Or in. When it gets this bad, it seems impossible to rise above it. But I know it happens because it’s happened before, so I’m just trying to remember that.

But the truth of it is…chronic depression, and on top of that, chronic suicidal ideations, cause me to constantly be ‘waiting.’ Waiting for my mood to change, waiting to feel awful or great, waiting for what it is going to ruin, waiting for it not to ruin anything. Waiting to feel physically better. Waiting to have a good, deep laugh. Waiting to fall in love again. Waiting for your life to become ‘normal’ again.

You can’t really ever be present, though, I do feel most present when I am communicating with my friends or answering emails from this blog or writing. But it is so fleeting, one could almost miss it. But, I feel most centered at those moments. And not alone.

I met with a new psychiatrist a few weeks ago. I was super grumpy about it, I thought it would be a waste of time…then, when he walked out to get me and appeared to be well over 70 years of age…I was even more grumbly.

Instead of turning on a computer, he pulled paper out, rested his elbow on the desk and his head against his hand, and listened to me for two and a half hours. Asked a lot of questions…but really listened.

What I thought was going to be a session of 60-70’s era therapy jargon…turned out to be so uplifting and enlightening and very thought-provoking.

We discussed the use of the term ‘mental illness’ and big pharma companies and soul transference from generations past. We also talked about alternative therapies like dance and music therapy. And he said over and over, ‘you’ve got to forgive yourself, you’ve got to forgive, this is not your fault.’

At the close of our appointment, he asked me what he considered a very important question…he said ‘Jessica, who has your back?’ I just cried. In his opinion, that is what we all want in life, in whatever form it takes - be it love, friendship, spiritual counsel, co-workers, health care team, family…we just want to know someone has our back.



http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5104969/?ir=Religion

London-based photographer and artist Ben Hopper’s collection ‘Natural Beauty’.


A little Lorca for the evening….

Ballad of the Moon
translated by Will Kirkland

The moon came into the forge
in her bustle of flowering nard.
The little boy stares at her, stares.
The boy is staring hard.
In the shaken air
the moon moves her arms,
and shows lubricious and pure,
her breasts of hard tin.
“Moon, moon, moon, run!
If the gypsies come,
they will use your heart
to make white necklaces and rings”

"Let me dance, my little one.
When the gypsies come,
they’ll find you on the anvil
with your lively eyes closed tight.
“Moon, moon, moon, run!
I can feel their horses come.”
“Let me be, my little one,
don’t step on me, all starched and white!”

Closer comes the the horseman,
drumming on the plain.
The boy is in the forge;
his eyes are closed.
Through the olive grove
come the gypsies, dream and bronze,
their heads held high,
their hooded eyes.

Oh, how the night owl calls,
calling, calling from its tree!
The moon is climbing through the sky with the child by the hand.

They are crying in the forge,
all the gypsies, shouting, crying.
The air is viewing all, views all.
The air is at the viewing.


Federico Garcia Lorca


National Poetry Month…Pablo Neruda!!!

Now here’s a beauty…in honor of National Poetry Month…

One Hundred Love Sonnets: XVII
by Pablo Neruda

I don’t love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz,
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain obscure things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn’t bloom but carries
the light of those flowers, hidden, within itself,
and thanks to your love the tight aroma that arose
from the earth lives dimly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you directly without problems or pride:
I love you like this because I don’t know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not nor are you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
so close that your eyes close with my dreams.


National Poetry Month!!!

One of my favorites….


For What Binds Us
by Jane Hirshfield

There are names for what binds us:
strong forces, weak forces.
Look around, you can see them:
the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,
nails rusting into the places they join,
joints dovetailed on their own weight.
The way things stay so solidly
wherever they’ve been set down—
and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back
across a wound, with a great vehemence,
more strong
than the simple, untested surface before.
There’s a name for it on horses,
when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh,
is proud of its wounds, wears them
as honors given out after battle,
small triumphs pinned to the chest—

And when two people have loved each other
see how it is like a
scar between their bodies,
stronger, darker, and proud;
how the black cord makes of them a single fabric
that nothing can tear or mend.


Thank You Thank You Thank You

I just realized I Lost My 30’s is 11 people away from 500 readers!!!!

I’ve always said…I thought maybe I’d have, like what…5? : )) and now I have almost 500 amazing people from all over the world…: )


Hello : )

A big welcome to my new readers : ) Thanks so much for reading I Lost My 30’s.

You can also join me at: www.facebook.com/ilostmy30s

Say hi or send a message!!

Jess


Hello : )

A big welcome to my new readers : ) Thanks so much for reading I Lost My 30’s.

You can also join me at:
www.facebook.com/ilostmy30s

Say hi or send a message!!

Jess

If you are in need of emotional support, help is just a phone call away. Compassionate and highly trained volunteers are available 24/7. All calls are confidential. You do not need to be in crisis to call.


If you are in need of emotional support, help is just a phone call away. Compassionate and highly trained volunteers are available 24/7. All calls are confidential. You do not need to be in crisis to call.

Da, da da daaaaaa!!!

It’s National Poetry Month!!!!

Diesel, a Bookstore, is a S.F. Bay Area bookstore posting a video poem a day each day of April!!!

We love this!!! Why do we love this?? Because its super awesome!!!!!! Why is it super awesome??? Because poetry is super awesome and beautiful and a brilliant form of writing!!

http://www.dieselbookstore.com/national-poetry-month-2014

Who are some of my favorite poets?

Sandra Cisneros
E.E. Cummings
Anna Swir
Sharon Olds
Mark Doty
Jane Hirschfield
Margaret Atwood
Czeslaw Milosz
Louise Gluck
Mary Oliver
Audre Lorde
Billy Collins
Pablo Neruda
Jorge Luis Borges
Federico Garcia Lorca
Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
and many more….


Da, da da daaaaaa!!! 

It’s National Poetry Month!!!!

Diesel, a Bookstore, is a S.F. Bay Area bookstore posting a video poem a day each day of April!!! 

We love this!!! Why do we love this?? Because its super awesome!!!!!! Why is it super awesome??? Because poetry is super awesome and beautiful and a brilliant form of writing!!

http://www.dieselbookstore.com/national-poetry-month-2014

Who are some of my favorite poets?

Sandra Cisneros
E.E. Cummings
Anna Swir
Sharon Olds
Mark Doty
Jane Hirschfield
Margaret Atwood
Czeslaw Milosz
Louise Gluck
Mary Oliver
Audre Lorde
Billy Collins
Pablo Neruda
Jorge Luis Borges
Federico Garcia Lorca
Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
and many more….

Time carries him as the river carries a leaf
in the downstream water.
No matter. The enchanted one insists
And shapes God with delicate geometry.
Since his illness, since his birth,
He goes on constructing God
with the word.
The mightiest love was granted him.
Love that does not expect to be loved.
Jorge Luis Borges, “Baruch Spinoza,” as translated in Spinoza and Other Heretics: The Marrano of Reason (1989)

Beauuuutiful…

(Source: bluewatsons, via myworldmyhermitage)


Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…or just violent behavior??

Once again, the U.S. has experienced a military base shooting that has left four dead (shooter included) and another sixteen injured.

Preliminary media reports say that Spec. Ivan Lopez, a military truck driver, began his shooting spree at Fort Hood, Texas, after a verbal altercation with a fellow soldier.

Reports also say Lopez was taking medication for depression and anxiety and undergoing an assessment for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). While Lopez did not have an official PTSD diagnosis, Fort Hood personnel did say Lopez had ‘mental and behavioral health’ problems. The gun Lopez used today is thought to have been purchased in the last month.

So, what is Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and how does it impact those who live with it?

The National Institute on Mental Health writes:

When in danger, it’s natural to feel afraid. This fear triggers many split-second changes in the body to prepare to defend against the danger or to avoid it. This “fight-or-flight” response is a healthy reaction meant to protect a person from harm. But in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), this reaction is changed or damaged. People who have PTSD may feel stressed or frightened even when they are no longer in danger.

PTSD develops after a terrifying ordeal that involved physical harm or the threat of physical harm. The person who develops PTSD may have been the one who was harmed, the harm may have happened to a loved one, or the person may have witnessed a harmful event that happened to loved ones or strangers.

PTSD was first brought to public attention in relation to war veterans, but it can result from a variety of traumatic incidents, such as mugging, rape, torture, being kidnapped or held captive, physical and emotional child abuse, car accidents, train wrecks, plane crashes, bombings, or natural disasters such as floods, a catastrophic tsunami or earthquakes.

It is critical to keep in mind - not everyone who lives with PTSD is violent or is prone to violent behavior. However, it is common for individuals living with PTSD to develop substance or alcohol abuse issues, erratic behavior, and insomnia.

Over the next week, I Lost My 30’s will explore issues related to post traumatic stress disorder including:

-Why it’s difficult to diagnose
-Veteran PTSD statistics
-PTSD treatment
-PTSD and gun ownership
-Loving someone with PTSD

If you have thoughts about PTSD or a specific question about PTSD, please let me know.

In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers go out to the survivors of this tragedy and to the families and loved ones of those who parished.

Much love…



http://ilostmy30s.tumblr.com/ectfaq

Hi ya’all,

I’ve updated my ECT FAQ page with new information regarding Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatment. If you do have a chance to read it, I would love any feedback you might have.

I hope to add some suggested reading materials by the end of the week.

Many, many thanks,

Jess @ I Lost My 30’s


vbshalom:

libutron:

Helecho enano (Dwarf fern) Photo credit: Erika Nortemann

“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.”
- Mandy Hale

Something to reallllly think about.

(Source: natureconservancy)


vbshalom:

libutron:

Helecho enano (Dwarf fern) Photo credit: Erika Nortemann


“When you are your own best friend, you don’t endlessly seek out relationships, friendships, and validation from the wrong sources because you realize that the only approval and validation you need is your own.”-  Mandy Hale

Something to reallllly think about.