yo, I rarely get messages in my box but then I all of a sudden got a bunch and no there are none again. I like getting messages. I also noticed that more than 7000 people have looked at my www.ilostmy30s.tumblr.com but I only have 346 followers. Those are bad odds. Hmmmm.

I was trying to distract myself today so I walked around the mall and ended up in Claire’s Jewelry shop where there were like 10 tiny little girls have a Claire’s birthday party. They all had tiaras on and little fairy flowy skirts on and gloves like Madonna used to wear with calf high vans on. And they each had a bucket with a TON of jewelry and nail polish and henna tattoos and feathers for their hair. So the main birthday girl was bopping around and putting earrings in everyone’s baskets and I was like hey, happy birthday and she was thanks, I’m having a great day and I said it looks like it, how old are you and she goes….um 7 duh. HA 7?????????? she looked like she was 13!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it was super cute…they were having a blast. I want to do that with my adult friends.

I want blue nails this weekend. And I want at least two more piercings in my ears. And my entire left arm covered in heart tattoos. And I want to get my nose double pierced again.

Yes.

Can’t sleep yet again. This is like the 10th or 12th night that I have had disturbed sleep. This is also the second time I have gone 12-15 days between ECT treatments. I can feel it. Which I am bummed about because the whole point with treatments is to begin to spread them out at some point. It’s a fine line between needing them, being dependent on them, and knowing when to pull back or continue. I feel prickly and weird in my body. I felt the dip yesterday. Down, down. Not quite the feeling of being under water, but close. If I was to paint how I am feeling right now it would be a bunch of tumbling rocks. Big boulders.

I am having all these realizations - moments of clarity - that are making me think I am going to have to make some hard decisions in my life. I feel so stuck. Intellectually, I know I am not, but I feel like it inside and most especially in my brain. Bills, too long of a process for my disability application, not working so not a lot of social interaction, little to no money, loss of friendships, no dating. In order to have any of these things I need to have one of the others…so things are just piling up.

I adopted this beautiful and adorable kitten on Monday, Samson, and he is getting oriented to me and my home…but he just makes me miss my girl Moxie.

I, mistakenly, watched a show on fertility and one doc said after 38 a woman’s fertility is down to 7% and now I can almost feel my ovaries marching in revolt.

I miss my very close girlfriend, who is no longer speaking to me, very, very much. I went to call her tonight to tell her something than remembered she doesn’t want to be friends any longer.

I read an article about the man who was the first to have a face transplant…and his new wife who was a car accident survivor…and how they fell in love in spite of their medical conditions and physical scars…and how happy they are in their lives and how much hope they have for their future…and all I can think of is where does that hope come from? They both have a strong faith so perhaps that is it…but I think it is more. Their story is very inspiring. Both of them were convinced that being in love and having a partner was not an option for them any longer…and then they met and fell in love.

I am happy to say this negative/depressive thinking has only reappeared today and tomorrow I have a ton of stuff to do to keep me distracted.

I’ve received a stack of questions regarding ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) so I am putting together a little FAQ of fact information so if you have a specific question about ECT or the treatment, send it (or them) my way and I will include them!!!

(side effects and treatment plans are different for everyone so I am more than happy to tell you about my response and side effects, but it’s in no way representative of everyone who chooses ECT as a treatment option)

Many thanks to each of you who reblogged the NAMI StigmaBusters post!!! Very much appreciated!!

What is NAMI StigmaBusters?

Today, June 17, I was watching Rachel Ray’s talk show - she had an episode about fashion and was doing makeovers on various women. She had a “style expert” on who said “you do not want a schizophrenic closet” meaning you do not want a closet filled with mismatched clothes…and Rachel Ray said “ahhh, a schizophrenic closet” and she laughed.

This is a perfect example of why NAMI StigmaBusters is important! So, I sent the info in…: )

NAMI StigmaBusters is a network of dedicated advocates across the country and around the world who seek to fight inaccurate and hurtful representations of mental illness.

Whether these images are found in TV, film, print, or other media, StigmaBusters speak out and challenge stereotypes. They seek to educate society about the reality of mental illness and the courageous struggles faced by consumers and families every day. StigmaBusters’ goal is to break down the barriers of ignorance, prejudice, or unfair discrimination by promoting education, understanding, and respect.

Each month, close to 20,000 advocates receive a NAMI StigmaBusters Alert, and it is read by countless others around the world online. Send it to your own personal and professional networks.

Numbers do count, so let your voice be heard.

Questions? Contact: stigmabusters@nami.org.

I never ask people to reblog things but….reblog reblog reblog!