I have been carrying this canvas from apartment to apartment since 2007…it is layered with acrylics in pink, purples, oranges, yellows and reds and has always hung somewhere in each apartment.
After staring at it for all these years I finally found my lady in it tonight, with the help of some old oil pastels I found.
Art is good for the heart!
I’m only about three weeks in with my hospice volunteering…I’m so fortunate to be able to do it because it gives me whole chunks of time where I can get out if my cluttered head and just be with someone else.
Today, a patient I’ve only met three times was telling me about his adjustment to loosing his sight…he was a film maker. I (rather stupidly) said that ‘it must be a big adjustment.’ And after a second he said…
'It's not about adjusting, it's about figuring out where you are and moving on from there.'
This is the question…and a big one at that.
I’m super conflicted about this because I can see how happy my loved ones are that I’m (seemingly) doing better and that I’m (seemingly) less depressed, I can hear it in their voices when I talk to them.
They can see it in me because I’m doing more activities, I’ve started volunteering, dressing with more care, smiling and laughing more.
The truth is, I’m definetly crossing the lines between feeling depressed, but not AS depressed as I was, and the tried and true ‘fake it till I make it’ model.
The thought of letting them know I’m not doing as great as I appear breaks my heart.
So, how much is too much when discussing health issues with your family?
I’m 40, single, have few close friends (and loosing even some of those), my brother has his own family and life, so I have relied heavily on my parents - mostly my mom - over the last decade, informing them of my hospitalizations, med stuff, diagnosis stuff, and much, much more.
I have realized over the last few months, I’ve done myself - and them - a huge disservice.
Now, the first thing I’m asked is how I’m feeling, I am pretty sure they are in a constant state of worry so it’s difficult to just relax and enjoy one another. And I worry that they are worrying so I find myself masking how I am feeling. It’s a really difficult cycle. And it’s hard to break. Because I’m very close to my mom, it feels completely natural to tell her a lot of what is going on in my head. It’s hard to know when to sensor. Several years ago, my dad got sick, and my siblings and I weren’t told until after he was treated. I was mad about that, but I understand the desire to protect in that instance. So should I do the same? The plus side in doing that is there isn’t a constant worry. The downside to that is that I’m their family and they are mine, we should be able to talk about things like illness.
My parents have raised three kids and are now amazing grandparents to four young kids. I have definetly not been their easiest child over the last ten years. I get that. But I’m really stuck on, going forward, how much to disclose and how much I should keep close to my chest about my mental health.
a bit of fact in the light and then just light.
I think I’ve posted this before but wasn’t quite certain (and too lazy to look!)….so, here it is
This sign is taped to the wall I see when I wake up and go to bed. I read in that same spot so I read that message multiple times a day.It’s been there for nearly a year now.
It’s been good to have there, it gives me a pause before I get up, throughout my day, and at night…and gives me time to reflect on good things and the crappy things.
Tonight, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted trying to be well. I’m exhausted trying to be ‘okay’ with my broken friendships, having a sibling whose not spoken to me since 2011, having an illness that is all at once…predictable and unpredictable. I’m tired of having people wonder why I’m not working, and beating myself up about it so much. I’m tired of being on my own, yet at the same time, I’m constantly telling myself no one wants to date a woman with my background.
Admittedly, tonight I thought that being hospitalized would be a welcome break (I know it’s really not a good idea). No thinking about how you look or what you are doing or how much you sleep. Food just appears for you. Interesting people watching.
On a serious note, I’ve been having ideations tonight as well…which is…I don’t even have the words for it. Thank goodness for therapy on Wednesday.
So, I hang out in bed and read that sign and think it makes a lot of sense on nights like this.
Hello, hello! Many thanks and a warm, warm welcome to I Lost My 30’s new readers!!
Annnnddd…a huge thank you for the more than 125 shares of the National Suicide Prevention Week information and all the wonderful messages!!!
Education and open dialogue is key!! Just a simple ‘hello, how are you today?’ could make a difference in a person’s life.
All my best, Jess
How are you feeling today? Just asking can help someone feel supported, listened too and cared for.
Thinking of my loved ones and friends of loved ones today, who lost their battle with mental illness.
National Suicide Prevention Week begins today, September 7, 2014 to September 13, 2014.
To find information about suicide prevention, suicide attempt support and/or suicide survivor support, mental health education and local offices in your area, and how you can get involved - visit:
National Alliance on Mental Illness
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
International Bipolar Foundation
These are just a few of the many notable organizations working to prevent suicide and educate about mental health disorders.
For a larger list of mental health resources and suggested reading, please visit www.ilostmy30s.tumblr.com.
Help spread the word by sharing this post. Suicide prevention starts with education and support.In good health!